Television Has Destroyed Communication Among Friends and Family Toefl Essay

I'm now studying hard to get a great score on TOEFL test, but it is so difficult. Can somebody help me to improve my writing skills? I just want a simple correction, so you don't have to read it very carefully but please score and correct.

According to the database of the Korean TV ​Council, [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] 40% of children are watching TV more than talking with/to their friends and family. This is dangerous [STRIKE]example[/STRIKE] considering [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] that kids are a future world asset. [STRIKE]of future world.[/STRIKE] However, are [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] kids unsocial [STRIKE]kids are[/STRIKE] only because of [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] TV? If [STRIKE]then[/STRIKE] so, every [STRIKE]children[/STRIKE] child with a TV in the house should have [STRIKE]had[/STRIKE] problems with [STRIKE]communications[/STRIKE] communication. Almost every family has [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] a TV but they don't usually [STRIKE]don't[/STRIKE] have communication problems. So I disagree with the statement that television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Firstly, television is not the pacemaker (are you sure that's the word you wanted?) which makes the kids ' adrenalin [STRIKE]pumps[/STRIKE] pump, but television is just a machine which [STRIKE]should be chosen by viewer to be watched[/STRIKE] viewers can choose to watch or not. Secondly, the real [STRIKE]problem[/STRIKE] reason [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] for this inability [STRIKE]of communication[/STRIKE] to communicate is the vicious (this adjective doesn't fit here. I don't know what you wanted to say so I can't suggest an alternative) character of a few television users.

Most of all, television is [STRIKE]a machine[/STRIKE] not a human which could [STRIKE]not[/STRIKE] tell people to watch [STRIKE]itself[/STRIKE] it. It is just a machine. There have been many debates [STRIKE]for[/STRIKE] about the necessity for machines[STRIKE]' position for human life[/STRIKE] in modern life, [STRIKE]just like[/STRIKE] for example, [STRIKE]is it[/STRIKE] are they a convenient tool [STRIKE]for convenience[/STRIKE] or [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] are they dangerous? [STRIKE]material?[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]The conclusion is different by people,[/STRIKE] eople have come to different conclusions but I think people [STRIKE]could[/STRIKE] can choose to use technology by their choice to fight wars [STRIKE]in the war[/STRIKE] or to cure sick people. [STRIKE]Alike[/STRIKE] Like technology, television itself can also [STRIKE]helps[/STRIKE] help people to learn a foreign language or about other cultures. [STRIKE]cultural habits,[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] At the same time, it could partly destroy communication among friends or families. [STRIKE]partially.[/STRIKE]

It is because kids watched it disregarding their obligation but only fulfilling their satisfaction.

I don't know what this sentence means. What obligation are they disregarding by watching television?

Furthermore, television itself is not [STRIKE]only[/STRIKE] responsible for an inability [STRIKE]of communication[/STRIKE] to communicate but also the

vicious

(same problem as last time - this isn't the correct adjective) character of a few television users. I cannot deny that television-addicted people usually have a communication problem [STRIKE]disorder in communication,[/STRIKE] but they were not normal before they [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] were addicted. They just chose television for their unsatisfactory mind (what is an unsatisfactory mind?) to have fun, to fulfil

their crazy thinking toward television.

(what is their "crazy thinking towards television?) These kinds of people usually [STRIKE]choose[/STRIKE] get involved in crimes, violence (no comma required) or drugs etc. [STRIKE]Considering them,[/STRIKE] At least television is better than all of them.

In conclusion, I disagree with the statement that television has destroyed communication among friends and family. Firstly, [STRIKE]one is that[/STRIKE] television is only a machine, so the fault [STRIKE]through television is done only by[/STRIKE] is the users'. Secondly, [STRIKE]one is that[/STRIKE] it is not only television that is to blame for [STRIKE]is the sinner of the destroyed[/STRIKE] communication problems, but also the [STRIKE]vicious[/STRIKE] (wrong adjective again) character of a few television users. In the [STRIKE]near[/STRIKE] future, [STRIKE]other than[/STRIKE] aside from television, many different problems will be blamed on many kinds of machines or technologies. [STRIKE]are to be blame because of diverse problems.[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]Alike[/STRIKE] As with television, these are [STRIKE]just a[/STRIKE] problems caused by the [STRIKE]of[/STRIKE] users, not the responsibility of the machines [STRIKE]itself[/STRIKE] themselves.

Television Has Destroyed Communication Among Friends and Family Toefl Essay

Source: https://www.usingenglish.com/forum/threads/196255-TOEFL-essay-Do-you-agree-or-disagree-with-the-following-statement-Television-h

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